gas attack

i'm sitting on my bed right now 
thinking of ways to get this gasoline stench off of me

1. continue to scrub my hands

2. spray myself, my pants & uggs with victoria secret love spell

3. go back in time & have a man fill up my gas tank for me

filling up the tank is NOT a difficult task and yes...... [most] girls can do this
i just wouldn't suggest taking the nozzle out before you hear that click.

otherwise you'll end up like me

smelling like gasoline.

i have a plan.
and i feel good
i knew that i would now. 
so good. bum bum. 
so good. bum bum.
actually, i'm working on a plan. 
but after meeting with advisors & talking to people ... 
taking on this task doesn't seem so daunting
it feels exciting.


wish me luck!

p.s. so excited for spring

babys got the life.

my quarter life crisis

nursing was the plan.

more like the back-up plan.

to occupational therapy, physicians assistant, whatever masters degree i decided to go after...

but as this semester goes on

and the amount of tears i am crying increases

i'm wondering if it's really all worth it

if there's another major out there that will let me go on to do what i want to do in life

and what is that?

after visiting an orphanage in Solola, Guatemala I knew that this was where I wanted to be

I wanted to be with orphans. 

Start my own orphanage? Adopt an orphan? Volunteer or work in an orphanage?

I had no idea. But this was where my heart was.

So nursing seemed logical. 

It would open doors for me to influence orphan's lives in not only a loving way but also a medical way.

But going to clinicals in a nursing home is really

really

turning me off from nursing.

I'm not going to go into the details of my nursing home experiences - because quite frankly they might just gross you out.

But even on orientation day - walking around the facility, I panicked. 

"I don't want these people's jobs. I don't see myself ever enjoying this"

Where do I go from there?

Yesterday was by far the worst experience I've had. So I came back to my dorm, determined to find a new major.

Biology - would allow me to get my master's in occupational therapy, physical therapy & maybe my years of Anatomy&Physiology, Microbiology, etc wouldn't go to waste

Psychology - not too sure. But it sounds nice

Social work - I don't know how many of my credits would apply to this but I feel like it would also be helpful if I wanted to impact orphanages in some way.

The problem is, I don't know enough about life to know what I want in it or how to get myself there.

In 20 years

I want to be married to the love of my life. I want to have my own kids, home, and life.

But where do I want to go to work when I wake up in the morning?

I'm not sure.

But I know if it's involving children I'll enjoy it.

So that's a start?

If i dropped out of nursing, right now. Where would I go?

I'd finnish the semester with Developmental Psych, Pathophysiology, History & some other course I'd have to join ASAP.

It doesn't make sense to "suck it up" and keep going to these clinicals if I don't plan on staying in Nursing.

But if I don't have another plan I'm going to have to suck it up & graduate with nursing.

And possibly hate my life for the next two years.

What if I ran my own orphanage? 

How would I even go about doing that?

What if I ran my own daycare and adopted orphans?

Is that what my love for Miguelito meant?

Or what if I'm meant to stay on this track?

Then why is it so emotionally difficult for me to stick with it?

Help.

dont mind the puffy eyes / exhausted / washed out look

or the ghetto bed mattress i live under

it's all about the roses =)

first it's sour then it's sweet.

this has been

by far

one of the most emotional +horrible mondays of my life. 

- 5 a.m. alarm (thank god it's a train song)  -  black ice (good work msmc)  

- 4 hours in a nursing home (no comment)

- 3 hours in skills lab (who doesn't love practicing sterile fields & turning & positioning?)


i'm not too trusting towards the internet quite yet so let's just say my morning in clinicals resulted in a giant reeses pieces gourmet cookie & a soda for lunch.

but life isn't a complete nightmare.

i have this amazing guy in my life,

who likes to do amazing things

that make me smile

even when i'm crying.

so even after 7 hours of 

tears + anxiety + panic

i can look at the vase of roses on my dresser

& be reminded that today is valentines day

& i have the best valentine in the world.

- bean